Amicable divorce is just as damaging

The conventional wisdom among psychologists and other shrinks is that divorce is a good thing if the parents have "grown apart" and seek personal happiness elsewhere. But they all say that they should be amicable for the sake of the kids.

The UK Daily Mail throws cold water on the idea:

Amicable divorce 'is just as damaging for children': Impact of a split on youngsters is same if couple remain friends or not

Divorcing parents who try to maintain an amicable relationship for the sake of their children are doing nothing to help them, a major study suggests.

The impact of the split on youngsters is the same whether or not the mother and father keep cordial links, it found.

The findings undermine a Government-backed consensus that the harm caused to children by separating parents can be limited if the couple remain friends. ...


But the researchers, headed by Dr Jonathon Beckmeyer of Indiana University, found that these children’s problems were no worse if their parents continued to row and bicker with each other after the divorce.

It is just one stupid study, and I would not take it too seriously. A reader comments:

Did they compare it to children whose parents don't divorce, but who live in constant violence and conflict? I'm pretty sure that the children are more damaged by fighting and violence in the home than by the divorce afterwards.

I don't have an opinion about this, except that the shrinks should get some data before dispensing their bad advice.

There is something freaky about a very amicable divorce. It is supposedly done for the sake of the kids, but I am not sure it is a good thing to lie to your kids about what is really going on, or to demonstrate that you are willing to destroy a marriage for trivial reasons.

I say if my wife wants a divorce I would never want to be amicable with her - you are either with me until the end, or you will never be a part of my life EVER.

I get that too, and I am not sure it is good to be friends with someone who betrayed you.

You cannot base the results on the say so of parents. Lets be honest what parent is going to admit that the children are in need of the non custodial parent, after all that won't help their agenda in forcing the non custodial parent out of the children's lives. When my mother threw my dad out of the house in a temper, my brother and I were made to choose between dad and mom, if we even let show any emotion we would be made to feel bad and guilty, we weren't allowed to talk about my dad or say anything nice about him, in the end we bottled it up and just got on with life. Children know when to keep quiet and its usually a self preservation tool, I speak from experience. If you truly have your children's best interests at heart, you must fight for 50/50 shared custody, where both parents are as equally involved as the children's lives as the other, children should never have to feel like they have to hide their emotions during divorce, its not good for them.

There are a lot of dads who give up on child custody because they think that a legal fight would be bad for the kids. If the system worked right, 50/50 shared custody would be automatic, and not require a fight.