I've followed your blog for several years. Is the battle over? You simply can't see your kids unless the ex says so and theres no more court dates...?No, it is not quite over. I expect to be going back to court until my kids are 18 years old.
Your experience is worse than having no system at all. Double-speaking pseudo-therapists empowered by gutless judges is a guarantee of failure on a grand scale.
I admire your restraint.
The only scdeduled court date is a trial for contempt on Sept. 9.
My motion for increased custody and visitation was denied. My ex-wife's motion for permanent sole custody was also denied. Judge Heather D. Morse shows every intention of supervising the case until our kids are 18.
Except that the judge has very little understanding of the case. She has not met our kids, and repeatedly gets the facts wrong. She cannot find anything wrong with me as a parent, but she unwilling to let me have any custody or visitation rights. So I expect to keep bringing motions, and the court will probably keep issuing temporary orders favoring my ex-wife.
If you wanna beat the game you have to play the game first.
The corrupted family courts will not bulge just because you relentlessly bring up motions after motions. They don't care about you or your kids. They just don't, no matter how you try to reason with them.
They only care about running their system, no matter how corrupted, as a well-greased machine. After all they need to maintain the integrity of the "justice" system. Therefore, there are no human beings in their eyes, and any dissents are tiny roadblocks to be crushed.
I am early in my battle (1y8m and waiting for divorce judgment), but I saw the light and gave up the hope for "justice" and empathy from the system already. They (court, psychologists, attorneys, CPS, etc.) are one big happy family. When my attorney told me to back off, I backed off. When my attorney told me to swallow my humble pledges, I swallowed them. I don't know how long it will last, but I am still able to see my daughter every other weekend unsupervised, and I cherished every moment.
Similar to you, I have a PhD from MIT and been accused of numerous psychotic allegations. I am also an ex-Marine. I dug deep and hedged the attack to hold my position, then crawled forward inch by inch. To win the war I need to win the judge, and to win the judge I need to pick the battles to turn my ex's side into the "roadblocks".
So please, for your daughters' sake, be a father, not a martyr.
We can dedicate the rest of our life to fight this FUBAR system after winning or at least not losing the war after the girls turn 18. Right now they need you, and I am 100% they miss you.
Try to see if you can seek therapeutic visitations to restore your custody first. You have to agree with your accused psychological issues before they can give you anything. It's an evil dance.
I have asked my ex-wife for visits, at her convenience. I am waiting for her response.
The guy makes some vey srong points.
Regarding your ex. and waitinig for her response, unfortunately, they have placed the fox in charge of the henhouse.
See some court ordered psych. and it will surely be turned against you. This is true also.
Continue filing motions.. well, they are very well set up for that, and again, you'd be playing into their hand.
Give up... what sort of message are you sending to your kids ?
Cave into them. Then you affirm or somehow admit to you kids that it was always about dady having some sort of problem as they all had suspected and hinted of.
No, I am not giving up.
There is nothing to admit to. There is no substantive allegation against me that makes any sense. The worst allegation was emotional abuse, but even the court psychologist admitted that was a lie.
he judge is an ignorant bigot. She does not know what Aspergers is, and yet she is willing to use it as an excuse to force my kids to grow up without a father. Even if I did have Aspergers,
look, i'm on your side, admit to something that's not legit, and it could buy you a little time with your kids till they turn it against you to not see your kids.
i don't know which are your personal choices as to what represents the fire vs. the frying pan...
MIT / MARINE, FRIEND,
My heart goes out to you. Your daughter has a wonderful father. The attorney, is probably doiong you no good or more harm than good. perhaps ?
Your sequence of events, etc. and timeline, suggest to me, very unfortunately, that your visitations may soon gradually be reduced, as it is what typically happens, if you read enough of our sad stories. I hope differently for you.
Strategically trying to pick your spots with your attorney and the judge, doesn't work. As long as you earn more than the ex. or even have had a history of such, or have assets, or your family has assets, your fate is being driven by those factors.
I'm not right or wrong but left at my daughter's persisting to do so, and consider myself a consciencous
objector to the family court's war on kids.
I do support those in the battle, whether the cave in for their kids or fight for their kids, either way.
I respect you George whether you cave in for your kids at this point in court or not.
This marine, he's still fighting, fighting for what he thinks is best for his kids..
As far as I can tell, the judge will keep rejecting your motions if there are no substantial changes in your case. Arguing with her is basically trying to prove her and the court wrong. I bet she knows your ex lied and Permutter fxxked up your case. But the court rubber-stamped the order, and it's impossible to ask the same court to admit they made a mistake, unless you can escalate it to the appellate court. If you don't escalate it, then you have to give her an opportunity to "dance" with you. She claims you have Asperger, then ask her to give you supervised parenting time while you attend a treatment program then change it to unsupervised after you complete the "treatment". Then she can get you off her back while saving her face.
My ex accused me of various psychotic problems and domestic violence. I volunteered to see a therapist, who later vouched for me that I do not have any issues. But when my ex asked me to attend "batterer treatment" program by dangling more parenting time, I outright rejected. Later the court decided her allegations were groundless. This is what I mean by picking your battles. I don't mind others, including my daughter, knowing that I saw a therapist, but I will never cave in to accept the accusation of being a batterer, unless I am.
I know this will be a long war, and I salute to all of you who have fought or are fighting for their kids. My heart goes to those who have been alienated or separated. But carry on my friends. At the minimum we fight for the hope that one day, maybe one day, our children will look back and realize how much we love them.
I have a situation related to what George's will likely become so wanted to ask folks here for some advice. I'm in the same county as George, and in fact we've met once to compare cases a couple of years ago. We've shared the same cast of characters in the system.
My 3 year restraining order expired today and I've not seen nor heard from my children at at all in that time span, actually 4 years when you count the continued temporary orders.
The last court appointed brain quack said in a 9 pp report that the children exhibited among the worst signs of PTSD and cult-like brainwashing under their mother's exclusive care (for the first year of the continued restraining orders )she'd seen in her 30 years of her work, and she was the head of SC County's evaluators in the family court system. I did not receive a cc of the report before the hearing, nor did JJJ bother to read it, he just said "all I saw was the kids don't want to see you and that's it". No dice w/follow up motions, etc as you would expect. Tried to reach out to them around my ex's back all that time, though was not successful.
So, now that I can contact them again, how the hell do you go about doing that? This is part of the picking the battles and waiting for the right opportunity MIT Marine describes, so thought this was an appropriate setting to field this question. Just walk up tomorrow and knock on the door w/some presents and say "Hi kids, remember me? I'm your dad! I didn't abandon you, your mom used the legal system to prevent me talking w/you, here's my phone number and email, call me sometime"?
Probably not the best idea, but hey, I'm open to ideas, folks: how do you approach your own kids brainwashed (literally) against you after 4 years of enforced radio silence? Thanks.
oh, and for the record, no I never abused my kids physically or psychologically in any way. I was strict about getting homework done and yes, like George, insisted my kids eat their broccoli ;-)
First, affirm to them that you have always loved them and thought about them all the time, and you are forced to be separated from them. Keep mouth shut about everything else. At this time they don't know whom to trust or believe.
After your connection is restored, at the right moment, they will ask you why. Only explain the minimum and withhold your emotion. DO NOT ATTACK your ex to protect your kids from counter-alienation, and DO NOT attack the family court system (judge, etc.) to protect yourself from being accused of "harming the children" later.
My case is easier as I was only separated from my daughter for one month, but went through the above process. Kids are smart, even as little as 3 yo, they know what's going on. They know who is right and wrong. But they will restrain these thoughts or emotion to survive in this crazy war. What they need from you is not truth, but a secured, comfortable haven.
Just have faith that your parental bond with them, and no one can ever take that away even your custody is deprived.
really good advice to consider. good luck to you with it all.
Hey MIT Marine, thanks, that's sorta the approach I was planning, one can't just dump the whole railroad car load of crap on them, esp at the beginning.
Trying to figure out how/where to actually approach them and say hello for the first time in 3+ years.
Regarding venues, meet/take them to those where you share good memories before. To make up the lost years, you have to augment the shared past.
Give them cues on the flashbacks. Once the memory jar is open, you will reconnect. They will not forget you. They just need to remember you.
All my best for you and your kids on the reuion. Share with us how things go.
those are very good suggestions MIT Marine, thank you ;-)
Just a matter of doing the initial walking up to the front door of their apartment, should be interesting....
Will let you know how it goes, probably happen this Sunday.
I bet you are more anxious than your first date.
I had the same feeling after being separated from my daughter for a mere month: "will she remember me?" "am I still her buddy?" "what if she likes me no more?"....etc etc etc
Then when we were back to our house, there was a long silence over the brunch.
She was confused. She had so many questions. But she still remembered and loved her father.
Hope that will bring you some peace before the big time.
I vacillate between nervousness and disgust at the entire situation.
well, went OK enough, finally found where they were living. Knocked on the front door, stood back, and my youngest son (12 y.o) opened the door and was very surprised to say the least. Mommy dearest then appeared and moved him away and told me I could see the kids only w/a counselor present. Left my contact info on a note for them on the front steps. Bet things are in a turmoil in that house. But at least the ball is rolling. Thanks for the advice, decided to take the Marine approach and charge into it straightaway and keep cool about it ;-)
glad to hear that.
but i thought it was supposed to be an unsupervised visit? sounds like your ex still tries to alienate your relationship with your kids.
good for you. It's a start. Just got to make the best of what you can get, and be grateful that things are moving in a good direction.
re 12:25 commentor, no, not a supervised or unsupervised visit, it was a surprise visit in that I've not seen/heard from/written etc my kids in about 4 years due to restraining orders and the mother making sure they wouldn't try to contact me. Or their paternal grandparents of whom these are their only grandkids. Nice, eh? Well, you know how it is with sociopaths. Setting up the second wave by having a visitation supervisor on the local list that I think I can at least hold my nose to call her w/in the next day or two to take the offensive in getting visits happening again. Personally I'm betting she's going for an ex parte hearing to get another restraining order since I actually walked onto their property. And so it goes.
Remember your goal is not to harass your enemy who can hardly be defeated. Your goal is to reconnect with the victimized civilians in this war - your kids. To achieve this goal you have to maneuver tactfully around your enemy and gain friendly help along the way.
Do everything you can to avoid giving your ex any excuses to separate you and your kids, because she is drooling over those opportunities, i,e, do not expose yourself and give her the chance to call for counterstrike like another RO.
Get a visitation supervisor and befriend her. Invite some friends during your visitations so that you have witnesses to vouch for you later. You need friendly reinforcement.
You have initiated the contact with your kids then your next mission is to maintain that contact at all cost.
Best of luck and we are all with you.
Have been reading up on my Sun Tzu and Che Guevara, so your comments and advice are much appreciated as I'm treating this like guerrilla warfare. It's also a lot like dealing w/North Korea, striking resemblence between my ex and Kim Il Jong in terms of behavior and the situtation.
Have contacted a recommended visitation supervisor and she's calling my ex today to get all that happening. In the meantime I wait until I hear something. If snake eyes, then I guess a motion seeking visitation will have to be filed. Talk about punting......
Thanks again, MIT Marine, any and all advice welcome.
When you feel down, watch this video:
God created our children, and God also created our ex. To fight this war you have to believe our cause is just.
Semper Fi to our children and parenthood.
well, well, well, looks like my ex just filed for a restraining order hearing for the latter part of Sept today so I guess she got the call from the visitation supervisor earlier today. How predictable. No temporary orders issued, though.
Well, here comes the enemy streaming down Mt Suribachi, time to make sure the fox holes are dug properly and the ammunition is ready.
Guess this is her response to my attempts at reunification w/my kids. This could wind up being a good thing, maybe this judge will actually read the shrink's report about how the kids are suffering from brainwashing and PTSD under the mother's care. Not that that seems to matter in this county....
The hearing will be important. I think you can file a motion to adjust custody to be scheduled on the same date.
Make sure you are prepared and clearly state that your intention is to reconnect with your kids and not your ex at all.
Lay out a plan re how you want your parenting schedule to be, and ask the judge to give you unsupervised time after a timeline if some objectives (good review from supervisor, etc.) are met.
You have survived the naval and air bombardment. Now you need to lay out a plan to approach your objectives while dodging the 2nd wave of field artillery fire.
Exactly what I'm planning on all fronts, thank you, it's gratifying to hear someone else thinking along the same lines and I never even served in the military ;-) Adding a hopefully nice twist by visiting next week the same brain quack who told me my kids had about the worst case of PTSD and cult-like brainwashing she'd ever seen. Getting her to review her findings and put exactly that in a letter to be added to the motion I'm filing for regaining custody and visitation. I need to start discrediting my ex as safe and sane for my kids so they need their sane dad to counter balance the situation. There's a couple of other brain quacks my kids have seen so contacting them as well to see if they have any dirt as well. Just about locked and loaded here in this foxhole, sir ;-) Next salvo to be fired next week in the form of a motion once letter is in hand.
Seriously, thanks much MIT Marine, your advice is very helpful and hopefully anyone else reading this can glean something from all this for their own situation.
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