Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Why wives walk out of marriage

When my wife first asked for a divorce, a lawyer called me, asked me a few questions, and then tried to convince me that she was leaving me for another man. "Who is the boyfriend?", he asked.

I was surprised that he said this, because I had already told him that I hadn't hired a lawyer because I found them to be annoying, among other reasons. If he wanted my business, then I would expect him to refrain from trying to annoy me.

I didn't hire him. Here was his story.
Every day I meet with a man in his 30s whose wife wants a divorce. My client is usually stunned and confused. His wife is sending mixed signals, and her reasons for wanting a divorce are vague. She even seems, at times at least, ambivalent as to whether she wants the divorce. My client desperately wants to save the marriage. His tendency is to blame himself and to irrationally focus on his deficiencies as a husband. He tends to cling to her (in effect if not in fact), repeatedly asking for another chance. He pathetically assures her he will do better. If I ask him what exactly there is for him to do better, he commences an anguished recital of a much considered and lengthy list of his spousal failings. As I listen, I realize these items cannot, even cumulatively, explain his wife's decision.

What my client does not yet realize, however, is that his wife's decision to surrender her family has nothing to do with him. I believe the stimulus is something much deeper. The fact is that women in their 30s are intensely conscious of aging. You do not have to have a PhD in sociology to realize that the fact of aging is of more importance and urgency to your wife than it is to you. Women in this culture (perhaps in all cultures) have not failed to notice that physical and sexual attractiveness are powerful and frequently determinate factors in their relationships with men. Therefore there is a closing window of opportunity for women in their 30s to obtain a desirable mate. For married women this means a lateral move or, better still, the opportunity to trade up. Put differently, the cement is drying. If such a woman is not completely "fulfilled" (whatever that means), she must take steps soon, if ever, to rectify the situation.

However, my experience has been that the factors discussed so far are not, in and of themselves, sufficient to stimulate a wife and mother in her 30s with an admittedly decent guy to jettison it all. The fact is, your wife is on a boat that, despite its less than perfect accommodations, does float. As a result, it would be the pinnacle of recklessness for her to jump ship, hoping against hope not only that another seaworthy vessel will come along but that its accommodations will constitute an improvement.

Doubtlessly she realizes that the good guys, the desirable guys, are already married in their 40s. The single guys in that age group are, for the most part, laden with baggage, such as child support, hostile ex-wives, financial problems, and alcoholism. What I am coming to is this: assuming you meet that minimum threshold of fitness already discussed, your wife will not leave you unless there is someone else. Some of you reading this book are shaking your heads. You have woven far more complicated psychological explanations for your wife's actions. This propensity is compounded by your exaggerated perception of your own culpability. To you I can only suggest that you wait 6 months and then reread this section. [From Civil War: A Dad’s Guide to Custody, by Joseph E. Cordell, p.22-24.]
I've given up on the complicated psychological explanations.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

But "George", apparantly he is right... Your wife DID wait until she was comfortably involved with another man BEFORE leaving you. She was in a no-risk sitution. I bet the new guy is cute and sexy and has a bit of a bad boy side..... (is he younger than you too??) And she gets a financial boost from you to sweeten her package - you get....... This sucks.

Anonymous said...

Have you considered the obvious reason why she would leave you? That you are a sadistic lunatic? This is the only reason why I can fathom you would boil a live frog to death in front of your two daughters. And then when they cry and say 'daddy why did you do that?' you tell them not to be sad since the frog was too stupid to jump out of the pot. Then when they continue to cry that the frog needs a decent burial you throw the poor thing with the water out into the woods while they watch. You are crazy, "George". And your children are going to be in therapy for the rest of their lives trying to undo all the malicious, unforgiveable misdeeds you have done to them in their childhood. It makes me sick to know that you have them 50% of the time...your ex-wife spends the other 50% trying to undo all the crap you put them through.
If you can't see what a horrible father you are, at least your kids can. Sad.

Anonymous said...

JUST ONE QUESTION DID YOU BOIL A FROG IN FRONT OF YOUR DAUGHTERS GEORGE?

Anonymous said...

If George was so bad, then why did the wife wait until AFTER she was involved with her new fiance before taking the kids away? If she stayed with a dangerous lunatic for years and years, then she herself is just as sick. Seems just too convenient that George became a bad dad after she was having an affair with the man she is now getting married to.... (and if George really was that horrible, then just being rid of him would be her reward, why go through all the trouble of extended court fights just to get more money. She doesn't need the money, she's getting re-married and has a new lucrative job as a lawyer Her complaints seem suspicious.)

PS: The only person who would call george a "sadistic lunatic" on this blog site and claim to know what the girls said would be his ex-wife who has already admitted to the courts that she reads this. The tone of her posting is definitely hostile and confrontational. Hey lady - YOU are the one harming your girls with all this virol hate slinging. Let it go. Let George go. Let his money go. Have a happy life with your new man. Be free and happy. You, my dear, are the sad one, can't YOU see?....!

Anonymous said...

The ex-wife's boyfriend is also reading this blog, and the second comment shows that he has some hostility also.

Anonymous said...

George, did you boil a frog to death in formnt of your daughters?

Anonymous said...

The ex-wife's boyfriend puts live lobsters and crabs into boiling water while the young girls are watching... and the girls have mentioned that they catch live butterflies, kill them, then stick pins into them....Angry Mom sure can pick them.

Anonymous said...

Every time I post something you assume I am Goerge's ex-wife. That is untrue, but I am someone close to the girls or I wouldn't know all the terrible things I know. I'm sure George can figure out who I am easily enough.

George said...

My ex-wife has already made a long list of peculiar accusations and claims to the court. I have posted a number of them on this blog. If indeed she left me because she thinks that I am "sadistic lunatic", then she lied to the court, because she gave other reasons to the court.

Anonymous said...

If anyone is fooled into thinking George's ex wife DIDN'T post the frog boiling incident nonsense, then I have some swampland for sale for ya.

Apparently her new job isn't keeping her busy enough. Or the sex is getting dull w/new boyfriend.......... oops!

Danny Guspie said...

The reason wives leave is there is no incentive to stay.

Many attorneys simply advise: "I can get you the kids, house, car, savings, child support and alimony. Get him to leave..."

The soon to be ex-wife (S2BX) launches a disingenuous campaign of misery (not hard because she is the miserable one...).

Dad leaves to keep the peace and the rest of the story you already know. If you're reading this, you're living it: Most men were willing to overlook this character defect when they married their wives, believing love would prevail…

Men need to teach each other the skills to avoid, circumvent or address these problems before, during and after marriage.

I know because I was successful, raised 2 kids as a stay at home, went back to school, became a law clerk and now help dads all day long to successfully stickhandle their matters in Family Court...

I’m also an adult child of divorce, step dad, and activist too for national divorce reform too, so I see it from many differing perspectives.

Men must step and accept their power to make change, and exercise it. And we will. But first they have to stop finding “BAD GIRLS” exciting enough to marry.

They always turn on you (and on in doing so, on the kids) in the end.

Danny Guspie
Executive Director

"WE HELP DIVORCED DADS WAGE PEACE IN FAMILY COURT"
http://fathers-resources.com
http://Divorced-Dad-Daily.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I know you're scared to comment on the psychologically damaging frog boiling incident, "George". You should be.

Anonymous said...

I don't know who put the frog boiling incident on the blog, but I know who boiled the frog, and maybe you can tell me how just asking George if he did in fact boil a frog, shows hostility.

George said...

No the frog story is not correct. Perhaps I'll tell the whole story later.

Asking about a frog does not necessarily show hostility, but calling me sadistic, crazy, and horrible does show some hostility towards me.

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one bothered by the new boyfriend's behavior? It would be interesting, I suppose, to get George's side of the frog story accusation - but even though lobsters and crabs are eaten, I know first-hand that boiling them alive in front of children could be traumatic. And killing butterflies to pin them?..... And then I guess there is fishing and hunting etc. Where is the line drawn? Many parents go hunting with children - a bad shot kills the animal slowly and painfully - so I guess the question is: why is George sadistic, but the new boyfriend is great dad material - both are killing live beautiful things in front of the children....interesting.

Anonymous said...

I bet the trauma is much greater on those children inflicted by their mother and the fabulous boyfriend than any frog or butterfly incident.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps tell the story now, George?

Anonymous said...

and....George still can't tell the story...

Anonymous said...

Wow, that's all I can say. Look at what a little greed does to people. Let's review, this guy marries woman, pays for her education, gets railroaded in court. And this abomination is on here posting. Sad. My experience has told me that how you meet people is how it will end. Example, wife meets man thru infedelity. Guess how it's gonna end? Exactly. If you reward bad behavior you get more of it. So, Mr. Homewrecker will one day have his own blog. I don't know "Angry backdoorman" or something like that. Clearly the ex-wife, her new boyfriend, or friends of the two are on here trying to discredit this man. You are right though, the girls will need therapy. I bet the topic won't be George however.

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