Bad advice on managing joint custody

I sometimes post bad advice that women commonly get, and here is another example. This mom has joint custody, and needs a man to be in charge of her child-rearing. Either the ex-husband or the boyfriend would be an improvement. But the columnist Amy advises neither, and to rely on some stranger instead. Furthermore, she suggests undermining the joint custody.

DEAR AMY: I am divorced and have two young children. Their father and I share equal custody. I have had a boyfriend for a year. He has a young child of his own and we all live together as a blended family. This man is kind, sensitive, supportive and loving, everything my ex-husband was not.

There’s one problem. My kids tend to act up a lot and I’m not sure why. His child NEVER acts up. She’s helpful, listens, is easygoing, etc. My kids are the exact opposite!

This past year, my boyfriend has really been working with my kids on discipline and setting good examples, and so have I. I am an easygoing person but their dad is not. I think they get this trait from him. I don’t really know what goes on when they’re with him. When they come back to us, I feel like we’re going backward. My daughter (age 10) doesn’t act her age. She whines like a 3-year-old, is unhelpful around the house and with her younger brother, etc.

Now my boyfriend is showing hostility toward ME because of their behavior. I honestly do my best at disciplining them, but because his child is “perfect” he does not understand. I know I’m trying but he doesn’t see that. What should I do? -- Challenged Mom

DEAR MOM: You should take your kids’ behavior not as a sign that they are “bad,” but that they are very stressed. Your daughter’s regression does not mean that she is immature, but having trouble coping.

You should establish consistent routines, make sure they get plenty of healthy food and sleep, and treat them with firm, unflappable, loving kindness. Their routine of switching households is extremely challenging (could you do it?). You, not your boyfriend, should be the primary disciplinarian. Let him teach you how.

Your whole crew could benefit from some professional mentoring. The kids need to see your family as a “team,” with good days and bad days, but always on the same side.

Most important, your daughter should get some private counseling with a child therapist. Because you are not willing/able to communicate with her father, you should make sure she is safe and well cared for when she is in his household. Her behavior could be a red flag that there is a serious problem.

Note that the mom does not actually say that she cannot communicate with her ex-husband. Amy just assumes that, as well as assuming that the ex-husband is a problem.

Talking to a counselor is just crazy. Why is Amy being paid to give advice, if she is just going to tell everyone to go get advice from someone else?

The kids are not necessarily over-stressed. Maybe they are not stressed enuf.

You would think that advice-givers would encourage steps to make joint custody work. For example, this mom could ask her ex-husband to take charge of the child discipline, and promise to back him up when the kids are with her. But Amy does the opposite, and suggests that there is something wrong with the his care, and that the mom should interfere with him.

Yes, it is possible that the behavior differences are largely genetic. There seem to be some genes for bad behavior. If so, it is foolish to try to blame food or sleep or the joint custody.

I post nonsense like this just to illustrate the bad advice that women commonly get.